Why Negotiating Salary is Difficult & Awkward
credit: andrea piacqu
Why is asking for what you want so difficult for survivors? It’s okay, it’s not just you.
Everyone wants, and most of us deserve, a higher paying wage. Even if we know what we are worth and have the skill set to back it up, asking for what we want can be difficult and intimidating. So, why do survivors of abuse have a particularly tricky time asking for what they want? Are we doomed to stay in this position forever? The good news is, no, not all.
For those of us that grew up in an abusive environment, we most likely lacked the routine encouragement, support, and positive reinforcement needed to mature into fully confident, motivated adults. For many survivors, being told directly or implicitly (i.e. non-verbally through physical or sexual abuse) that we were “worthless,”, “never going to amount to anything”, or that our only role was to be used by those around us was instead the feedback we received. Even a single degrading comment made by someone important to us can pierce our hearts in a way that never fully heals. Now imagine hundreds, or thousands, of injuries that then bleed into a lack of self-esteem and feeling of belonging. It’s no wonder that we later struggle to appreciate our core selves and advocate for the wonderful beings we are.
The act of negotiating a salary isn’t difficult as an isolated task, although the fear that stands in the way of speaking up is where the real trouble lies. Therefore, if you’re wanting higher pay and feeling uneasy about asking, it’s time to look within by using the steps below and taking this opportunity to grow. Listen to the podcast episode below for even more ideas.
TIPS FOR NEGOTIATING SALARY:
Doing it for the greater good. For those that have a difficult time speaking up for themselves, it is often the case that they feel comfortable advocating for other people. How often do you speak up for the underdog but later trip up when it comes to requesting something for yourself? Asking for higher pay actually serves the greater good of those around you because it increases pay transparency, balances the job market, and pushes management to reflect on how they are valuing the team. You’ve heard the term, “the squeaky wheel always gets the oil.” Well, that squeaky wheel is attached to a wagon with several wheels and when all wheels operate at full capacity then the wagon drives much smoother. And, who knows, you may just inspire someone else to speak up for themselves, too!
Compartmentalize your guilt/fear. Approaching HR for a raise can bring on feelings of shame, fear of confrontation, or anxiety about offending someone. Although this process feels highly personal to you, management likely does not view this process through the same lens. They are thinking about business, budgets, and the bottom line. Try to separate yourself from the emotional aspect of the process by sticking to facts. Realize that your boss is not your abusive caregiver and that you are an adult making your own decisions now. Write down the evidence you have of why you deserve a raise. Did you crush your competition this year by performing better than your counterparts? Did you receive a degree or certificate that now makes you more valuable? Did you help train new employees because your manager was busy or even create a new training manual because you’re great with organizing tasks? Write down your contributions (be specific), list how they benefited the company, and reasoning for wanting higher pay based on cold, hard facts. Emotions can be volatile, but facts are consistent and difficult to argue with.
Study up. There are scores of incredibly helpful YouTube videos, articles, and books on how to negotiate effectively. You can start looking through these resources relatively effortlessly and for no money at all. Practice negotiating with a friend, in the mirror, or writing out a script. If you have a therapist, practice with them. Brainspotting and EMDR can also add a layer of neutralizing the anxiety that comes with speaking up for yourself.
Know what you want. Sit down and do the math to figure out what you want your salary to be. Always ask higher than the number you wish to land at, but not so high that management won’t take you seriously. Research the average income for your position in your area and nationally, then figure out what works for you. Figure out what you’re willing to accept and practice asking for it. Ask for a meeting with your supervisor and begin the negotiations.
Power Pose. Power posing has been all the sensation over the last few years, and with very good reason. Standing in a confident position for a minute or more before a big meeting can increase your confidence, decrease stress in your body, and get you focused for the task at hand. Ivy League educated doctor, Amy Cuddy, has an excellent Ted Talk on exactly how to channel the power. So don’t forget to stand like Superman or Wonder Woman in the bathroom stall before the big moment!
Stay positive. Asking for what you want can trigger a sense of vulnerability. Sit with this insecurity, accept it, then put it to the side for later. Turn on the sleeping giant within you by looking at your list of reasons you deserve this raise, see this discussion as an opportunity to learn and grow, then shake it off by treating yourself to something special for being brave at the end of it all. You got this!!!
WHEN THEY SAY “NO” TO A RAISE:
Adapt. Hearing “no” might initially sting, make you feel defensive, and realize your cheeks are flushed in red with embarrassment. It’s okay, you have every right to feel that way. But realize and accept that things may not go exactly as planned or how you envisioned before you walk into the meeting. Instead of viewing “no” as a failure, ask your supervisor, “then what can I do to prepare for a raise this year?” This will give you the opportunity to learn how the company views your progress and let’s them know that you are genuinely invested in becoming a better professional. The fight isn’t over. In fact, the negotiating has just switched tracks from “can I have a raise” to “how do I get one?”. Hold your supervisor accountable for writing out a plan and request a timeline. For example, if you take on these 3 new tasks, you should expect to see a raise in 6 months. You are now successfully on their radar, so take their feedback and start hustling to prove that you are capable.
Stay curious. Staying in a space of curiosity will prevent you from being defensive and possibly saying something you regret, or quitting impulsively because you’re upset. If HR hits you with a “no” and doesn’t offer any alternatives or meaningful explanations, then start asking “why.” Ask the company “why”, and yourself “is this where I want to continue to be?”. If you aren’t given the opportunity to advance and grow at your current job, then explore the possibility that you may have outgrown it. Before impulsively turning in your resignation, make sure you learn everything there is and ensure that your networks are intact. Do you need a reference from this job for your next one? Then leave gracefully, with respect and dignity. It will only serve you in the long game.
Self-care. Know that the refusal for a raise doesn’t necessarily reflect on you as a person (assuming the feedback you received wasn’t about behavior, and rather merit of work). Accept the answer they gave you, then go home and allow yourself to grieve, be angry, or whatever comes up for you. Take care of yourself with a healthy, fulfilling meal or favorite movie that night. Rap it out with friends, family, and your therapist. Then, fall asleep envisioning who you want to become (without the negative thoughts or barriers) and rise again tomorrow knowing that it is a new chance to take another swing at the world. You are capable of resiliency and should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do something new.
You are worthy, you are capable, and you got this!